How Not to Write a Book

  1. Pick an incredibly complex subject.
  2. That requires talking to people you don’t know.
  3. Despite the fact that you are incredibly afraid of talking to people you don’t know.
  4. Have a baby.
  5. Even though you can’t really afford childcare.
  6. And go off your medication.
  7. Even though doctors are pretty sure you need that medication.
  8. (But what’s wrong with a few nervous breakdowns?)
  9. (Right?)
  10. (RIGHT????)
  11. Spend two weeks thinking about applying to Ph.D. programs in linguistics.
  12. Spend two weeks thinking about applying to Ph.D. programs in film theory.
  13. Spend two weeks thinking about applying to Ph.D. programs in anything that isn’t writing this fucking book.
  14. Go to Mexico.
  15. Start watching Between Two Ferns.
  16. Start watching Downton Abbey.
  17. Start watching Battlestar Galactica. Again.
  18. What’s that, Ancestry.com?
  19. I’m related to Eleanor of Aquitaine?
  20. Look into moving to a small town in the middle of the country and changing your name.
  21. Although maybe you won’t have to change your name because New York publishers mostly forget there is a middle of the country.
  22. Move instead to a big town on the other side of the country.
  23. Using up most of your savings in the process.
  24. Thus making you even less able to afford childcare.
  25. Meanwhile, definitely keep staying off that medication.
  26. Facebook- and Google-stalk everyone you’ve ever known.
  27. Also people you don’t know.
  28. All the people ever, really.
  29. And have you gone to one of those sites that will figure out your astrological chart for you?
  30. Because that’s a good one, too.
  31. Decide that you are so completely lacking in even a modicum of vision or talent that no one is allowed to see your work.
  32. Ever.
  33. Including your editor.
  34. Your poor, poor editor.
  35. Contemplate the inevitability of death.

Notes